where am I supposed to go? who am I supposed to talk to about this? sometimes in life there are moments where you feel so alone.
and it’s not like I don’t know that there are many doors open for me to walk through….but honestly maybe it’s just easier to go through this alone and without involving anyone.
no one cares and no one is listening.
or else I’m just becoming a cynic.
this post may contain a lot of urdu!
and also, bare with me while i rant. you know something that i find absolutely zeher? ke jab koi kissi ko acha kahe yah phir compliment de, aur uske liye wo “chamcha” ban jaye.
why, why can’t i just say something nice or be nice to someone, without being labelled a suck-up? is it so hard to imagine that when one is giving a compliment that it is not with some ulterior motive in mind, but because they want to be nice?
anyway, it just really annoys me
and that is all.
bathed in my tears tonight,
left underneath my eyes,
the blur of the world,
and the start of the rain,
coincide on my face tonight,
making rivers and streams down contours,
pushing past and forward and further down still,
this salted water,
going further down,
to bathe once more,
my sheets tonight,
this tenuous connect between water and sheet,
this finite stain left in existence,
all these are marks where sadness sets sail,
all these are marks of night time devastation,
all these are marks of a warring heart.
so ramzan has begun and once again, Allah has blessed us all with the opportunity to be around for all the blessings it brings. and with ramzan came the beginning of my summer job as well! i thought for sure this summer i wasn’t going to get anything, but of course i continued to apply, albeit half-heartedly, and lo and behold, it happened!
and in hindsight, it could not have happened at a better time….because this way i got to spend all the beginning of the summer enjoying myself at home and now during ramzan i have something to distract me from being hungry and stuff! so alhumdulillah everything worked out!
i love experiencing the moment when you realize that God really did have a better plan for you. because no matter how long it takes, you can be sure that if your immediate prayers arenn’t answered, nor wishes granted, then there’s a reason for it.
but anyway, aside from that, with ramzan of course, comes also the iftaris! we had the first one at our house on the first rosa of the month and now we’re spending the rest of the month going to a whole bunch of others! which is awesome. it’s great that we get to see family and friends so much more in ramzan and in an atmosphere of mutual ibadah just makes it all the better.
and after ramzan the month of august is JAM PACKED! with what, you may ask? WEDDINGS.
THAT’S RIGHT! W E D D I N G S!
this august there’s not 1,
but FIVE different weddings that are happening! unfortunately it looks like i won’t be able to go to one of them, but still 4 weddings are already a crazy amount!
but to be honest, there’s one that shines out as the most important one. and it’s the wedding of (the person who i consider to be) my best friend. she’s getting married this year - and i know i’ve mentioned this here before but let’s be real, i’m not going to stop mentioning it at least until the wedding is over….and maybe not even after then :p
and other than that, one of my other REALLY CLOSE friends is also getting married! hers was supposed to be in december, but is now switched to august which is amazing! so much dressing up to do this summer, it’s ridiculous!
AND OF COURSE, between the weddings and the rest of ramzan is my favourite holiday: EID-UL-FITR :)
inshallah this eid we will have the family over and at the end of the night we hope to do fireworks (for the first time ever!)! HOPEFULLY it won’t rain on eid.
and i guess that’s all i’ve got….this post is just really an update on how my life is coming along. although with all this excitement coming just from this summer, i’m afraid everything afterwards won’t be so exciting anymore! but it should be because this september, i will be starting my LAST year in university (it’s taken me LONG ENOUGH - i know) INSHALLAH! so that’s really exciting.
and at first i thought (and sometimes still think) that i won’t go to my convocation, but the more i think about it the more i realize….it’s a once in MY lifetime sort of thing! i know i’ll regret not going - so most likely i’ll go! and also, i realize i want to go because i have a sincerely great appreciation for my school. it wasn’t the place i started out in, but honestly, i love it very much. and so i’ll go, because not going would be an insult to this great institution that educated (or tried to educate) me.
but anyway, convocation is still a far away thought. i shouldn’t count my eggs before they hatch, as the saying goes, haha! i mean, who knows [WARNING: morbid thought coming up] if i’ll even live to see the day! there’s really no guarantee of life, but we plan and plan and plan as if we’re invincible and will continue to live on and see our plans come to life.
and on that note, i’m going to end my post :) this has been a good dumping of my general mindset/mood/thoughts these days!
in the heat of these days, it’s hard to imagine that earlier this year we had an ice storm worse than i have ever seen before! it’s even hard to recall how in the WORLD we survived those FIVE FULL DAYS in our house without electricity!
at the time it was the biggest thing happening in our life. but just like with everything else, as time moved forward, other things took place of that one event and now…as i look back at the pictures, all i can really remember is the amazing beauty that the storm brought with it!
isn’t that crazy?! what yesterday was the very main crisis of mine and my family’s existence, today i just look at and think of the beauty of nature from it!
time is the greatest magician of all. let yourself be wowed by it…..time will not disappoint.
i’m probably overthinking this/being self-centered/whatever, but has anyone else ever felt that sometimes people treat you very…..cautiously!
what do i mean? i mean, sometimes (not always, not even often, just occasionally) i just feel really aware of this nagging feeling that tells me that people around me are treating me as if i’m breakable. as if they can say anything to anyone, but they have to choose their words carefully around me. because what if they say something that might hurt or offend me…..as if they’re scared of my opinions, almost!
and i’ve gotta say, it is one of the most annoying feelings in the world! when i feel like this is happening, i just want to yell at them and tell them that i’m not some nazuk si bachi! i am a grown woman and i can take it! i can take whatever they want to say to me that they’re not saying because they feel like they’ll break me!
and i know it’s odd to think that anyone would think that way, but i just have this feeling that i cannot PUSH away sometimes.
but like i said, it’s probably just my own paranoia. i mean, why would anyone ever have any reason to treat me differently than anyone else….
although vacuuming is the bane of my existence, there is just a feeling of complete satisfaction when you walk into a carpeted room and see vacuum marks from having been recently cleaned that you honestly can’t get any other way.
OR that feeling when you hear the crnch crnch as some crap gets sucked up WHILE you’re vacuuming. omg. that feeling.